Thorn in My Side

There isn't much in my life that I truly regret; even the experiences I have had that one might classify as bad. For example, my parents divorce at 7 yo, the subsequent child custody battle, family turmoil, moving, job changes, health challenges etc ...... I don't regret  them because I've come now to the understanding that God used those experiences to draw me toward him and shape me for my calling. Some people come to Christ without much drama. Some people, like myself, need the drama for a dramatic conversion.
I guess for this reason I've always related a little bit to Saul, who became Paul. Paul required a dramatic conversion to come to Christ. If you remember, Saul was a devout Jewish leader who made it his priority to persecute Christians. He was there at the stoning of Stephen. But one day while walking along the road he finally "saw the light".  Jesus showed him himself, and he became a believer of Jesus. My testimony is similar in that I was going along in life calling all  the shots and they were taking me exactly where I didn't want to go. Until one day God showed me...me; I asked him for help, gave him the reigns, and I have been walking with him ever since. Since most of my choices and experiences prior to Jesus are what caused me to turn to him, I don't regret them. And I know that God uses all of them for our calling. Paul wrote these words. He seemed to understand that part of how/why he was saved was so that his prior self could be recycled by God.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—  not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2

But when I turn around and look over the shoulder of my life, there is one thing I do regret. I think my enemy knows it because he is always there to remind me of this shortcoming, despite any successes I have in Christ. For me, it is a trail of broken relationships. I'm a people person and for most of my life, I sought their approval. So for the fleshly me, it is heartbreaking to know about a list of people who don't like me or in my mind have rejected me.  Sometimes it was just plain my fault; I didn't know Christ then like I do now. Other times, it wasn't me, but the Christ in me that was rejected and caused the fracture. Either way, it's like a thorn in my side; a nagging hurt in my fleshly heart.  It caused me to wonder if this was the same for Paul. He speaks about it in 2nd Corinthians 12. There is a lot of theological debate about what his ailment was. A few things he says though have caused me to wonder if he was ever accepted the way the other apostles were. Despite his successes for Christ, was he always reminded of his behavior beforehand? When he preached, was there always someone there in the audience to torment him about the past? This is what he says.

"...and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
   My grace is enough; it's all you need.
   My strength comes into its own in your weakness."

I'm realizing this is a little bit of what is going on. My current struggle was caused by broken relationships. My enemy is right there to accuse me, torment me, and tweak the thorn. He says, "See...same old, same old. You fail." Trust me, I've been pleading with God to take this situation away; I begged him to redeem me, restore me, and make it better. Instead I've been pushed to my knees and become fully submissive to whatever he has in store for me and I accept my weaknesses in relationships because they keep me humble as it pertains to any of the successes I've had in Christ. But more importantly, I know that when the solution to my relational problem comes, it won't come from me, it will come from God and therefore he will be glorified.
Relationships are tough at times. But that is how God works. He places us as Christians in the world and forces us to rub up against each other. Sometimes the result is like sandpaper...a little abrasive. But the end result is that God is smoothing off some rough edges that need a little work. Once you realize that, failures, weakness, and limitations actually become successes if you let them; I've realized that God has and is using my failures as an opportunity for Christ to show himself in me. Paul says it like this:
"Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."