I Found My Voice

Anyone close to me knows that I love to sing! Several years ago my husband got me a karaoke machine with wireless mic's for Christmas. I sang and entertained myself for over two hours...all by myself, I might add. Most of  the time spent in my car is spent singing. Yes, I am one of those people that you might look over at while stopped at a stoplight and I'll be belting out the chorus shamelessly. Most of the time I am singing praise music and some of  the most intimate moments between me and God have been in the front seat of my car.

Since shortly after the first of the year I haven't been doing much singing. Why? Well some of  the reasons were just circumstantial. Right now, I am unable to attend my church in Niceville due to my work situation. Part of my service there was singing regularly with the praise band during Contemporary Worship services. For right now, that has ceased.

I take voice lessons every week; I've done so for about four years. I'm lucky that my voice instructor just so happens to also be my best friend. So each week is part voice instruction, part fellowship, and sometimes... part therapy.  Right after the New Year my friend had a baby. Naturally all of her voice students had to take a break from instruction. The problem was when I came back I had lost a good bit of technique.  It seemed like such a struggle to sing. If you know anything about good singers, the more you struggle to make the noise the worse it sounds. Good singers make it look effortless. This is not to say there is not a lot of effort in the form of training your vocal apparatus to make those sounds, but once trained the mechanism should not strain to produce the sound.
I began to realize something else though. It wasn't just the technique that was failing....I was struggling to find the song in my heart. As a result, it was an effort to sing and it showed.
I saw a biographical show that Shania Twain is doing right now on T.V. If you are not aware, her husband left her after having an affair with her best friend. It is obvious from her testimony and the show that Shania still carries a lot of pain surrounding the events, even though she has already remarried. The interesting thing is that she tells the audience that all the events have also caused her to lose her famous voice; she struggles now with her singing and is trying to get it back. In her own words, she describes the feeling you get in your throat when you want to cry and you are trying to hold it in...that throat clenching tightness that forces one to swallow hard. She chronically carries that feeling around.  Tight vocal cords don't bode well for singing.
When life hands you circumstances you didn't ask for, but you are trying to hold it together in your own strength, the result is anything but lyrical. I think this was me the first few months. Like Shania, I felt like a humbled victim. I couldn't find my voice or my song.
In the last month, a few things have changed. First, some godly counseling changed my mindset from walking humbly to walking boldly. Second, I have come to the full heart realization that God fights my battles for me (see my previous posts). With that came a peace and the angst I felt in my heart and in my throat has disappeared. Lastly, I have actually started to see God work in my situation. I know we are supposed to walk by faith and not sight, but it sure does help to witness a few God-interventions in your circumstances. I have begun to see a real tangible change in the atmosphere at work now that certain people have either been removed or their evil intentions have been brought to the light. The enemy wants to steal your song; God works to show you he will be your voice when you have none. (Romans 8:26-28 MSG "Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.") Recently I read about when David was restored as King of Israel after he was rescued by God from all his enemies and Saul. What does he do? He sings. His song is chronicled in 2nd Samuel 22. It is an amazing praise song about God's unfailing love to those who live by his commands and how he himself will restore, redeem, and protect them.
Last week at voice lessons, I broke through.  As my dear friend said, "You're back. You found the song in your heart again." Indeed I did. And just like King David, it is a song of praise. Hallelujah!