Keep Your Sword at Your Side

This last week has really caused me to do a lot of reflecting on the past two years. I just found out that one of the two other doctors who covers SHHEC was leaving (she is actually gone now). That leaves myself and one other to cover the whole OB/Gyn service for the summer. We were promised some help, but even that proved disappointing. We pretty much will be taking every other night call and working a lot harder. At first I felt pretty overwhelmed. I cried, I yelled, but then I turned it over to God. He reminded me where we had been and where we are now. I moved my medical practice from Ft. Walton Beach Medical Center (taking call with 3-7 other docs at times) to Sacred Heart Hospital basically because God told me to. There definitely were practical reasons to do it but the decision was largely spiritual; I had no idea if I would succeed but I knew that God told me to move so I did. It was a faith thing; as a result the entire time God used the analogy in my own heart of the Israelites going to the promised land. They went because God told them to and it required a big step of faith into the River Jordan. They didn't know if the flood waters would overtake them and they would drown. They just knew they had to go.
What God accomplished through his people physically in the Old Testament is a picture of what he wants to accomplish in us spiritually now under the New Covenant. Of course he literally moved me to a new land. And I Thank God I have prospered here on many levels. But God has shown me gradually (mostly because of my thick headed-ness) he is trying to accomplish so much more. I never realized back then to get to my promised land I was going to have to escape some captivity and I might feel at times like I was wandering in the wilderness. His idea of promised land is not the same as yours and mine; His promised land is the Kingdom of God here on Earth. We get there by allowing God to remove those barriers to building his kingdom in our own lives and hearts; it will not simply be prospering me here on Earth.
So many times I've asked God, "If this is the promised land you asked me to go to, why has it been so hard...isn't it supposed to get easier?" Did you know when Joshua entered the promised land to take it he didn't have to fight just one king? No, not 5 kings. He had to battle 31 kings to claim the inheritance God had for him. Nehemiah 4:18 tells us that when they were building in that land "Those who carried materials did work with one hand and held a weapon with the other, and each of the builders wore a sword at his side as he worked." This is what my life has felt like ever since I got here....doing work but holding a sword and doing battle with the other. My dear friend always tells me that she feels like I'm on the front lines fighting spiritual warfare daily because of my unique ability to minister to people in my job; she has told me many times she is the Johnathon to my David...sharpening my sword for battle. (As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Prov 27:17) I've fought deception, evil influences, my own pride, shame, loss of prestige, death and illness in patients I cared deeply for, loss of income, increasing debt, less time with my family,feelings of inadequacy, unhealthy relationships, and recently the diagnosis of my brother with cancer.
This week I have realized though that God brought me here because through these experiences He and I are going to deal with some big issues, like insecurity and rejection. They need to get dumped. The truth is that my enemy knows what my God- potential is if I can still do my work and battle those things that have kept me in bondage. It is no wonder then that he makes me feel like I am at war and constantly throws things at me to challenge my weaknesses. If you are about to take hold of some significant spiritual ground that God has in store for you, you can bet your last dollar your enemy will be quick to attack! He doesn't care about your salvation as long as you stay bound and ineffectual for God! So keep your sword at your side...the Sword of the Spirit; who is your hedge to protect you from his attacks. (see my previous post!) My promised land inheritance is security in Jesus and I'm going to claim it. "Lord you have assigned my portion and my cup (who is Jesus by his body and blood); you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines (of the property you have set aside for me to claim in the kingdom of Heaven) have fallen for me in pleasant places, surely I have a delightful inheritance." Psalm 16

She Doesn't Look a Certain Way But She Sure Thinks Like It

This last week God has given me so much to digest I feel like I've already had seconds at the Thanksgiving table of his blessings...I'm so full of the richness of his WORD it's hard to actually pen it to paper, but I am going to try because this is a message to be shared. I am currently reading the newest release by Beth Moore, "So Long Insecurity" in preparation for her simulcast in April. I am participating in the book club on her blog which both gives us our reading assignment and challenges us to answer questions about the material. This book already in just the first few chapters has been a real eye opener! When I read Beth's definition of insecurity, I was sure my name was at the top of the paragraph! What seemed to resonate most clearly were these few sentences..."Insecurity is associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships. The insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate." Later she writes.."Insecurity's best cover is perfectionism. That's where it becomes an art form. Keep an open mind to what an insecure woman looks like, and don't be too hasty to let yourself off the hook....the fact that she can be a complicated mix of confidence and self-conciousness is the very reason it took me so long to identify it in myself and admit it." Ouch Beth! Why did you have to call me out like that? We were later discussing the book at work and one of my staff said, "That's funny, I would never have pictured you as an insecure person." Exactly! That's because I work pretty hard to keep the outside the way I want it to be, but the truth is insecurity is a battle of the heart and mind. Any disparity between the two is what walking with God is all about.
Funny thing is the same week I heard probably the best message I have ever heard on spiritual warfare. How are these related you ask? They absolutely are because the theater of war for believers is the mind. Ephesians 6:12 tells us we don't fight against flesh and blood. Our real fight is against powers of darkness and we have an enemy who is after our mind and particularly our insecurities. The bible states he scours the Earth like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour...he pounces after carefully watching you and understanding what has stolen your God-confidence. So how do we combat this? Isaiah 11:2 flat out tells us; we ask the Holy Spirit to come ON us. As believers, when we accept Jesus as our savior, the Holy Spirit is in us..but to fight the battle, we need him ON us. Look at Job1:10; Job had a hedge around him protecting him from Satan that had to be removed before the enemy had access to him. What was that hedge? The Holy Spirit! To deal with this insecurity thing, I have to ask the Holy Spirit to come ON me.
Isaiah 11:2 "The Spirit of the Lord will rest ON him; the Spirit of wisdom, of understanding, the Spirit of Counsel and of Power, the Spirit of knowledge and of Fear of the Lord. There are 6 things the Holy Spirit does to combat 6 separate attacks from our enemy. Ready? Here we go.
1.Wisdom---overcomes confusion. The ability to not only know what is good, but what's of God.
2.Understanding--overcomes deception. Our insecurities cause us to make up things in our mind that aren't really there and then affect our behavior. They are the blind spots we have that everyone else can see.
3. Counsel---overcomes pride. God resists the proud; don't fight the battle of the mind on two fronts. The bible tells us there is safety in a multitude of counselors; I thank the Lord daily for my dear friend who is my accountability partner and helps me see my insecurities and get a grip.
4. Might---overcomes persecution. This one is all mental; it essentially is fear of people and the personal cost to you. It's the root of insecurity. We give people power over us that only God should have.
5. Knowledge---overcomes bondage. Acts 10:38 tells us Jesus came to set people free from mental bondage. I know for a fact that my own insecurities caused me to become bound to a very unhealthy relationship and the devil did everything he could to keep me entangled.
6. Fear of the Lord----overcomes self. For the enemy to get to you, he has to get through you. By snaring us with sin, he creates an avenue in. Proverbs 3:7 Do not be wise in your own eyes, fear the Lord and shun evil.
I told you this was a lot to digest! But God has shown me that being able to say "So Long Insecurity...you've been a bad friend to us," is going to require a new way of thinking. I have an enemy who does not want this to happen. Why? Because it's my own insecurities, for the most part, that are giving him a foothold into my life and keeping me from taking the next leap of faith with God. Girls, we just gotta deal with this ...I think the next few months are going to be a bumpy ride. But as Beth says, "I'm ready to do the thing."

When We Fail, He is Faithful

The last few days have been hard for me emotionally; I've had several instances involving relationships where I intentionally made efforts to be faithful to what I believed God was asking of me to do. I was intentional and prayerful in both my actions and words and yet in both I did not achieve the desired affect. In an attempt to act out of my relationship to Christ, I discovered neither individual or party found me as a source of truth or comfort. In fact both flat out rejected my efforts and one was even critical of them. In both instances I was left feeling insecure and a failure....did I let God down? Am I such a poor judge of character that I can't sense what people need to turn to God? Why does my enemy keep trying to convince me I am not transformed at all?
I heard a comment this week that has been resonating in my mind...."The world is neither impressed nor influenced by your relationship with Christ but rather your resemblance to him." I began to ask God, "Is this where I have been unfaithful in our relationship?" Am I so concerned with being in relationship with you, that I forget to look like you? Then God reminded me how he looks at faithfulness in relationship.
Fidelity is such an interesting concept when it comes to relationship with God. More and more the world lacks faithfulness. Probably this is because faithfulness is a 'fruit of the Spirit'; you have to be in the Spirit of God to show fidelity. I have seen more marriages end due to infidelity and more relationships break apart for lack of loyalty in the last several years than I ever had in my career thus far. God calls faithfulness, "covenant". A covenant is like a contract between two parties and is sealed with blood like an oath. God made a covenant with Abraham. He told Abram to take each animal that was used for sacrifices and cut them in half opposite each other. The blood drained towards the middle. God then caused Abraham to fall asleep and the God himself walked between the pieces in the trail of blood; since God could swear by no one greater He swore by himself to keep his promises to Abraham. The faithfulness was only dependent on God.
God reminded me the same is true for the bride of Christ and her bridegroom, Jesus. Hebrew tradition dictates at a wedding that the groom reads and signs the "Kesubah" which is a binding document of confidence and trust which details the husband's obligations to his wife. The wife, although a very important part of the relationship, does not sign it at all. The covenant of faithfulness belongs to the groom. The same is true for my relationship with Jesus. He has sealed it with his own blood that if I remain in him, he will remain in me. "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." (John 15) So even the times I fail to look like him to the rest of the world...He will be faithful. When I fail to draw people closer to him...He will be faithful to do it. When I show that I am still a work in progress...he will be faithful to complete it. I'm thinking this post as I finish typing it might be hard to understand. I guess I'm trying to say that even when it feels like you fail God trying to resemble him to the world, it's ok...he knows your heart. My God sets the standard (who is Jesus) and knows that even standing on my toes I'll never reach it here on Earth. But everyday I'm getting a little closer and thankfully he is still willing to use me as I try.

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit." 2nd Corinthians 3:17

Faith that Moves Mountains...I mean Bridges

I tell you the truth. If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. -Matthew 17:20
Today I did the Double Bridge Run in Pensacola...it's called the double bridge run for a reason. You run 9 miles crossing two bridges. The first one is 3 miles long. The second bridge is at mile 8 and leads you to Pensacola Beach. The scenery is beautiful but the last bridge is steep! This race is a great training race because it is both physical and mental; such a metaphor for life. God's word says that obstacles in our path or circumstances in life that seem like hurdles we could never get over are not dependent on how MUCH faith we have. We just need to have faith...period. Thank Goodness faith is not dependent on my strength (I did walk some of that second hill...dang it!) but on my God's who is always sufficient! I just have to mention I thought it was really cool that as I came to the first bridge incline my i-pod starting playing "Anything is Possible" by Annointed. The lyrics go like this:
Anything is possible, in Him all things are possible, all you do is keep the faith, don't give up 'cuz it's never too late.....you can speak to the mountain and it will be moved, that is the way to receive all he has for you!
I love when God does little things like that for me...<3 Anyway, here is a picture of me and my sister in Christ (Jennifer Hayes) after finishing the race!

Valentine Guard Your Heart

Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life. Proverbs 4:23
Last year I decided that each January I would pray and ask God to give me a "verse" for the year that I would meditate on and use to guide me. Interestingly enough, in 2009 I vowed to be content in all circumstances and "take all thoughts captive to Christ". I guess the Lord knew what I needed before I did because little did I realize that I was about to enter into one of the most toxic and manipulative relationships I have ever been in. Getting out was literally like escaping a spider's web and the enemy fought a battle over my head to try and keep me captive to it's influence. I can't explain it other than to say that when I was trying to break free I literally felt so much internal turmoil that I knew it was not just a physical issue but a spiritual one as well. God made it clear that in order for Him to take me where we needed to go this relationship needed to be CUT OFF! Literally. My enemy fought hard and still is to entangle me. And because of the degree of mind manipulation I was in, it physically and emotionally felt like I was cutting a limb off. Humbly I felt after the fact like someone who had been in a cult; I looked behind me and was embarrassed, dumb-founded, and asking myself how did you let someone like that have so much influence over you? The truth is....because there was a vulnerability in my own heart that I should have let God fill but instead I looked elsewhere and my enemy was quick to notice.
So this Valentines' day I am learning to guard my heart; don't get me wrong that doesn't mean I'm not going to love generously or let people in...I usually wear my heart on my sleeve. But I now realize I need to guard the influence that I allow people to have over me. Why? Because out of it flows my ability to fulfill my calling in Christ and lead others to the well-spring of life. When God is taking me to a higher place in my destiny, I need to be very careful who is holding the ladder for me. The last few months have been emotionally very hard for me, but my God is faithful to finish a good work in me. The knowledge of that makes my heart full. Happy Valentines!