Channeling Elijah

From the title of my post, you might guess that recent circumstances have made me identify with this important biblical character. Lest you think that I am about to induct myself into the Hebrews Hall of Faith, let me immediately explain. I'm relating to his humanity.
Elijah was prophet of God raised up by God to speak his word to the Kings of Israel. There were many prophets during his time, but Elijah was unique for many reasons. He was called to stand for God during a time when an evil king, Ahab, and his very evil wife were in authority. Her name was Jezebel and she was always looking for a way to get at Elijah. She wanted to see him fail.
The story goes that there was a drought and severe famine in the land. Elijah challenged the pagan prophets (450 of them)  to call upon their God to burn up a sacrifice on the altar in an effort to end the drought/famine. The prophets of Baal did everything they could, but no answer. Then it was Elijah's turn. He built up the altar to the Lord, dug a trench around it and doused it with water three times. The trench filled with water. Next, in front of everyone watching, he called upon the LORD. " O Lord, answer me! Answer me so these people will know that you, O Lord, are God and that you have brought them back to yourself.” 1 Kings 18:37  What do you think happened next? God sent fire from heaven that burnt up the entire altar, even lapping up all the water in the trench. Could you imagine being a bystander to that? I'm sure that Elijah, although a man of immense faith, went through a myriad of emotions. If it were me, (and I'm being totally honest here) I would have gone from "God, please show up...to MY GOD not only shows up, but he kicks tail and takes names!"  After the showdown, Elijah tells his assistant to look toward the sea. Eventually he sees a tiny rain cloud, barely visible. This turns into a torrential downpour, ending the drought. Elijah, whose faith was now filled to the brim, was so filled with renewed strength that he ran ahead of Ahab's chariot all the way back home.
After all this, Jezebel hears of what has happened. She is infuriated with renewed vigor to destroy Elijah. Elijah flees. The bible tells us he is so discouraged that essentially he asks God to take his life. I always read this passage and wondered how he could feel that way after seeing God show up so big in his life. But now I think I understand.
I too feel like I have been walking by faith in a land where there are Jezebels who would love to see me fail. One of my biggest fears all this time has been that I would have a clinical situation or emergency that I couldn't handle alone. Well, of course it was just a matter of time until something would happen and it did. Last week I inherited a patient who experienced a massive postpartum hemorrhage. She originally intended to birth at home; had she been successful at that, she probably would have died. But as fate, would have it... or faith would have it... she came to the hospital and became my patient.  When it became apparent that her bleeding was life-threatening, I started praying..."God, please show up. Carry me. Lead me. Please don't let me fail you." To cut to the chase, it was quite a showdown in the OR. Ultimately, I had to take out her uterus to save her life and she received more blood products than we have ever given for a hemorrhage.  But she is alive and well and so is her baby. When it was done, I thanked God. I actually wept in praise during church the next morning. I knew my God was for me...so who can be against me? His love never fails.
The next week though, I felt exhausted. I was falling asleep every night before 8 pm. My mood was down. I realized what it was. I keep looking for the tiny rain cloud in the distance of God's provision/grace in my circumstances. But at the end of the day, my circumstances are still the same. At that moment, I remembered Elijah's story.  Maybe he felt down because at the end of the day, he was still feeling alone and nothing had happened to the Jezebels. I thought to myself, "What is wrong with you? You just saw God show up big in your life. He answered prayer. He provided. Why so down?"  I no longer felt any condemnation for how he felt; instead I related to his humanity. Greg and I are trying hard to hang on until God reveals his plan in its entirety. It's good to know that even the heroes in the Hebrews hall of faith were human at heart too.