I have been thinking a lot about how we as Christians are to relate to each other. I find it quite interesting that God would have me land on this topic now. I dare say, this season is probably one of the loneliest seasons of my entire life. But when God becomes who you have, then you also begin to realize He is all you need. Pressing in has really enlightened me how differently God loves toward us. Take that one step further and we begin to understand how we should love each other. This concept is vitally important because as we mature in our discipleship, the way we love each other should also mature. The bible makes it very clear that Christian love should be different than how the world shows affection. The love of Christ is supernatural; it often goes beyond our immediate understanding. And not only that, but it should also be recognizable, even to the unbeliever.
"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." -John 13:35
Often, as Christians we mistake that how we show love to unbelievers outweighs the ministry of what we do inside our homes or the church. This verse completely destroys that notion. Even unbelievers are watching how we love each other and that sends a clear message about true discipleship and ultimately God's love. It matters. God doesn't want us to just look the part of a disciple; He wants us to act like one. This is probably why there are over 50 instructions in the bible about how we (Christ followers) should love each other.
I think to illustrate a concept it helps to define it. Or for that matter what it is not. As I have spent time thinking about my friendships and fellowships within my circles, I started to think about the times I either did not feel loved, or I, myself, failed to adequately demonstrate God's love. So, before I dive into all the Bible has to say about how we should treat each other, I'm going to start with four ways we should not love each other. Meditating about this has been very convicting and if it is for you also, I pray God will also show you ways to better demonstrate his love.
1. (LOVE THAT IS JUST WORDS) There is famous book about demonstrating and receiving love called, "The Five Love Languages." by Gary Chapman. It helps you identify both how you receive love from others and how you usually give it. The two may be completely different. Understanding this about your partner, helps communication flow. My love language, or what makes me feel seen and understood, are words of affirmation. This has been both a blessing and a curse. I have always been drawn to people who expressed their affection for me in this way. At times, I was so motivated by it that I modeled my behaviors in ways I thought would garner it. When I was honest with myself, this was often me seeking the approval of others instead of God. As I have matured, I realized when this was my motivation this type of affection left me feeling mostly empty instead of full. I think social media has only compounded this, especially for women. When God speaks over us, he affirms you; not flatters you. "Dear children, let us not love with words or speech, but with action and in truth." -1st John 3:18. Worldly love makes lots of flowery promises without the follow through. Christ followers should say what they mean and mean what they say. Jesus said, let your yes be yes and your no be no. (Matthew 5) If you say you are going to pray for someone, actually do it. Even better, don't delay and do right then and there. As Christ followers, our word should be our bond. Why? Because that is how it is with God.
"The Lord said to me, “You have seen correctly, for I am watching to see that my word is fulfilled." Jeremiah 1:12
2. (LOVE THAT IS TRANSACTIONAL) There is a pervasive thought in today's self-love mindset dynamic that if something or someone doesn't 'serve' your goals, ambitions, or desires, you should eliminate it. In fact, the notion is even tied to respect. "Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy." This notion is completely counter to what God says about discipleship. The truth is as Christ followers often what is hard makes us grow. You can't use happiness as the gage. If we are not careful, this can trickle down into how we demonstrate love. It becomes transactional. No one wants to feel like they are receiving love only so the giver can get something in return. That is not love; that is manipulation. God does not love this way. And he especially doesn't want us to teach others about his Son in this way. If you want to feed the homeless, then feed the homeless. The moment you post about it, you are now feeding your ego. Transactional love compromises witness.
"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:6-8. God demonstrated what true love looks like not only while we were still His enemies, but when we could do nothing on our own to fix the problem. Mother Teresa put it this way, "Your true character is most accurately measured by how you treat those who can do nothing for you." Christ followers should value people, whether they serve us in the moment or not.
3. (LOVE OUT OF OBLIGATION) This leads to my next thought. God doesn't need us. He has chosen us. Once you make that personal, you start to understand the depth of God's intimate love for you. He doesn't need you to accomplish his will; He chose you to accomplish it. This one is very meaningful to me. If you struggle with rejection, knowing then that someone chose you, can be the deepest expression of love. Godly marriages are a wonderful demonstration of this.
"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Colossians 3:11-13
It is a choice made out of love. Not an obligation. Nobody wants to feel like someone loves them because they have to. Of course, there are ways we express love to each other that could be described as duty. Like calling someone on their birthday for example. It is the intention behind it that lets the recipient know that you chose to do so, not just because you have to. Christ followers should be intentional, kind and personal with how they show love. Do not make the recipient feel like it is chore to check off your list.
4. (LOVE THAT IS ONLY CONVENIENT) There is a new modern term for breaking off relationships. It's called "ghosting." Ghosting is when a person ends communication suddenly and without warning or explanation. It might begin softly with minimizing contact, called "icing". It is a tactic of avoidance and involves either fear of conflict or a decision that it is best to move on. The problem is that it is one-sided and doesn't take the other individual's feelings into account. It's selfish.
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2:3
I have to admit, I have been guilty of this in an attempt to avoid conflict. But if I am honest, I must also admit this should not be the conduct of a believer. I have also been the recipient of feeling 'ghosted' by a Christian friend. It hurts and, in some ways, deeper than with other types of bonds. God prioritizes relationship, especially between his children. In the bible this is called unity. Of course, there will be relationships that are for a reason or a season in your life. But trying to do what you can to end relationships well should a hallmark of a believer, not only when it is convenient. "A friend loves at all times." Proverbs 17:17. Gaps in communication without explanations lead to assumptions that may be incorrect; this can hurt unity within the body of Christ. I have personally seen this happen. Christians should not be fair weather friends. This might mean going out of your way to prioritize the relationship.
"For I desire mercy and not sacrifice, and acknowledgement of God and not burnt offerings." Hosea 6:6
"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift." Matthew 5
As I mentioned above, this process of meditating (or considering) on how we are to love each other has been convicting but also enriching in my understanding of how God loves us. He cares that we do our best to model the love he demonstrated in Christ Jesus. It is a love that prioritizes relationship over religion. My hope is that this spurs us all in our growth as disciples.
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:23.
