Love Languages: Four Ways We Should Not be Speaking

 I have been thinking a lot about how we as Christians are to relate to each other. I find it quite interesting that God would have me land on this topic now. I dare say, this season is probably one of the loneliest seasons of my entire life. But when God becomes who you have, then you also begin to realize He is all you need. Pressing in has really enlightened me how differently God loves toward us. Take that one step further and we begin to understand how we should love each other. This concept is vitally important because as we mature in our discipleship, the way we love each other should also mature. The bible makes it very clear that Christian love should be different than how the world shows affection. The love of Christ is supernatural; it often goes beyond our immediate understanding. And not only that, but it should also be recognizable, even to the unbeliever. 

"By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." -John 13:35

Often, as Christians we mistake that how we show love to unbelievers outweighs the ministry of what we do inside our homes or the church. This verse completely destroys that notion. Even unbelievers are watching how we love each other and that sends a clear message about true discipleship and ultimately God's love. It matters. God doesn't want us to just look the part of a disciple; He wants us to act like one.  This is probably why there are over 50 instructions in the bible about how we (Christ followers) should love each other. 

I think to illustrate a concept it helps to define it. Or for that matter what it is not. As I have spent time thinking about my friendships and fellowships within my circles, I started to think about the times I either did not feel loved, or I, myself, failed to adequately demonstrate God's love. So, before I dive into all the Bible has to say about how we should treat each other, I'm going to start with four ways we should not love each other. Meditating about this has been very convicting and if it is for you also, I pray God will also show you ways to better demonstrate his love. 

1. (LOVE THAT IS JUST WORDS) There is famous book about demonstrating and receiving love called, "The Five Love Languages." by Gary Chapman. It helps you identify both how you receive love from others and how you usually give it. The two may be completely different. Understanding this about your partner, helps communication flow. My love language, or what makes me feel seen and understood, are words of affirmation. This has been both a blessing and a curse. I have always been drawn to people who expressed their affection for me in this way. At times, I was so motivated by it that I modeled my behaviors in ways I thought would garner it. When I was honest with myself, this was often me seeking the approval of others instead of God. As I have matured, I realized when this was my motivation this type of affection left me feeling mostly empty instead of full. I think social media has only compounded this, especially for women. When God speaks over us, he affirms you; not flatters you. "Dear children, let us not love with words or speech, but with action and in truth." -1st John 3:18. Worldly love makes lots of flowery promises without the follow through. Christ followers should say what they mean and mean what they say. Jesus said, let your yes be yes and your no be no. (Matthew 5) If you say you are going to pray for someone, actually do it. Even better, don't delay and do right then and there. As Christ followers, our word should be our bond. Why? Because that is how it is with God.

"The Lord said to me, “You have seen correctly, for I am watching to see that my word is fulfilled." Jeremiah 1:12

 2. (LOVE THAT IS TRANSACTIONAL) There is a pervasive thought in today's self-love mindset dynamic that if something or someone doesn't 'serve' your goals, ambitions, or desires, you should eliminate it. In fact, the notion is even tied to respect. "Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy." This notion is completely counter to what God says about discipleship. The truth is as Christ followers often what is hard makes us grow. You can't use happiness as the gage. If we are not careful, this can trickle down into how we demonstrate love. It becomes transactional. No one wants to feel like they are receiving love only so the giver can get something in return. That is not love; that is manipulation. God does not love this way. And he especially doesn't want us to teach others about his Son in this way.  If you want to feed the homeless, then feed the homeless. The moment you post about it, you are now feeding your ego. Transactional love compromises witness. 

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:6-8. God demonstrated what true love looks like not only while we were still His enemies, but when we could do nothing on our own to fix the problem. Mother Teresa put it this way, "Your true character is most accurately measured by how you treat those who can do nothing for you." Christ followers should value people, whether they serve us in the moment or not. 

3. (LOVE OUT OF OBLIGATION) This leads to my next thought. God doesn't need us. He has chosen us. Once you make that personal, you start to understand the depth of God's intimate love for you. He doesn't need you to accomplish his will; He chose you to accomplish it. This one is very meaningful to me. If you struggle with rejection, knowing then that someone chose you, can be the deepest expression of love. Godly marriages are a wonderful demonstration of this.

"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Colossians 3:11-13

 It is a choice made out of love. Not an obligation. Nobody wants to feel like someone loves them because they have to. Of course, there are ways we express love to each other that could be described as duty. Like calling someone on their birthday for example. It is the intention behind it that lets the recipient know that you chose to do so, not just because you have to. Christ followers should be intentional, kind and personal with how they show love. Do not make the recipient feel like it is chore to check off your list. 

4. (LOVE THAT IS ONLY CONVENIENT) There is a new modern term for breaking off relationships. It's called "ghosting." Ghosting is when a person ends communication suddenly and without warning or explanation. It might begin softly with minimizing contact, called "icing". It is a tactic of avoidance and involves either fear of conflict or a decision that it is best to move on. The problem is that it is one-sided and doesn't take the other individual's feelings into account. It's selfish. 

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2:3

I have to admit, I have been guilty of this in an attempt to avoid conflict. But if I am honest, I must also admit this should not be the conduct of a believer. I have also been the recipient of feeling 'ghosted' by a Christian friend. It hurts and, in some ways, deeper than with other types of bonds. God prioritizes relationship, especially between his children. In the bible this is called unity. Of course, there will be relationships that are for a reason or a season in your life. But trying to do what you can to end relationships well should a hallmark of a believer, not only when it is convenient. "A friend loves at all times." Proverbs 17:17. Gaps in communication without explanations lead to assumptions that may be incorrect; this can hurt unity within the body of Christ. I have personally seen this happen. Christians should not be fair weather friends. This might mean going out of your way to prioritize the relationship. 

"For I desire mercy and not sacrifice, and acknowledgement of God and not burnt offerings." Hosea 6:6

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift." Matthew 5

As I mentioned above, this process of meditating (or considering) on how we are to love each other has been convicting but also enriching in my understanding of how God loves us. He cares that we do our best to model the love he demonstrated in Christ Jesus. It is a love that prioritizes relationship over religion.  My hope is that this spurs us all in our growth as disciples. 

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.  And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:23.

Running with an Injury

 If you have ever sustained an athletic injury, then you know the experience can be humbling. All at once, you can no longer do what you have always done. It completely feels like you can't focus on achieving the next level you, when the current you is... well, frankly... in pain.  I made it through all the training miles and finished the Dopey Challenge back in January without an injury. My last blog talked about how that challenge had become a metaphor for other challenges I had in life. Then in February, that all changed. I somehow sustained an injury to the meniscus in my left knee. I tried to ignore it and keep going which didn't help things. In fact, it got worse. By the time I got to my March races, the pain was bad enough that I walked the second half the 10- miler. It was humbling and forced me to accept this injury wasn't just going to go away. I was not only going to have to spend time to heal, but also would need to find a way to move forward knowing that this might be something I have to learn to live with. Fortunately, my doctor told me I didn't have to stop running. In fact, I needed to keep moving.  As has been true with much of my running journey through life, this new development also became a metaphor for the circumstances I was walking through in my spiritual life. 

My physical injury forced me to slow down my pace dramatically. In doing that, I had to become very intentional with each activity I engaged in. In addition to the nagging pain in my knee, this forced intentionality was in some ways very annoying. Why? Because it took away from the freedom of running for me. In my flesh, I don't want to 'think' about running...I just want to enjoy the way it makes me feel on every level both physically and emotionally. Ironically, isn't that true for most things in our flesh? I then asked myself, how did I make it this far in life without experiencing this injury before now? Now I have a constant somewhat painful reminder as I run to think about. Again, another metaphor.

 In my flesh, I began praying and asking God to please take my wound away. In fact, I cried out, even pleaded, knowing He knew the pain it caused me.  And no sooner than the words left my thoughts, I was reminded of someone in the Bible who prayed the same prayer. And simultaneously my memory reminded me also about God's response.  

" Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

There is a lot of speculation what the thorn in the flesh was for the Apostle Paul. The content of the thorn is less important than the intent of the thorn. Scripture states it was there to keep him humble, and to remind him every time he experienced the pain in his flesh of the grace of his salvation in Jesus Christ. Both qualities are essential for effective ministry. You can't bring others to Christ if you don't understand that all your ability to do so comes from God, and that you are as much in need of grace as everyone else. 

 As one commentary put it, " Paul saw two ways forward. The Lord could (1) remove the thorn, and Paul could get on with life and ministry, or (2) leave the thorn, and Paul would be forever crippled and slowed in life and ministry. The Lord responded with yet a third option: leave the thorn but give Paul grace. And for Paul’s life and ministry, this would net out as taking Paul places in terms of divine power he could never have attained otherwise. This is God’s secret strategy for his people." My injuries have become a tangible and palpable sign to show me this is his strategy for my life and faith walk as well. 

Paul describes the thorn as a messenger from Satan. The bible tells us our enemy has only three intentions regarding your ministry: to steal, kill and destroy. In other words, he would love to see a wound that "literally stops you in your tracks." The hard realization in the growth of your faith and mine is that God may permit a wound so that you can grow your ministry and, yet in the process, remain humble. If you focus on the wound instead of the grace that accompanies it, the enemy wins. This shift in perspective makes me think about Joseph. God gave him vision for his life. But yet, he was sold by his brothers into slavery. He literally was thrown into a pit and left to die.  Then he was accused of things he didn't do; his integrity was attacked. He easily could have become very bitter over time and even lost faith. But instead, he focused on the all the many ways that God prospered him despite his affliction. He focused on grace. So much so that he named one of his sons "Ephraim" which means "God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering." (Genesis 41:52) Later when he again saw his brothers, he was able to say, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is being done now, the saving of many lives." Talk about ministry expansion that all began with a wound! 

Many of my running instructors encourage us to focus on what we can do instead of what we cannot. They often say, "There may come a day when you cannot run. Today is not that day." It is a mindset that chooses to move forward in faith, knowing that any limitations only make us more intentional.  Intention over and over again (discipline) produces strength both in physical training and in life. Regaining strength despite an injury provides hope that I can still run the race. It serves to remind every day where our strength, and even breath, ultimately comes from. Frankly put, wounds remind us of our human fragility. That should keep us humble. And God gives grace to the humble. (James 4:6).  The bible puts it this way: 

"but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." (Romans 5:3-5) 

I am still praying my wounds will heal at least to the point where they no longer cause pain. But truthfully, I know this is all part of a process.  When someday you can look in the rearview mirror and thank God for what the wound has taught you, then you know it is already healed. The irony is sanctification is a lifelong process in healing. So in the meantime, I will keep running in faith...just a little slower and with lot more grace for myself and those around me. 

Why I Ran a Marathon: Because Life is Not a Sprint.

 

Dopey Challenge 2023

When you tell people that you just ran a race, it is not uncommon for a few folks to respond back with a question: "Well, did you win?" The answer I suppose depends on how one defines winning.  If you are comparing your race to the performance of others, winning is getting to the finish fastest. If you are running the race that is set out for you alone, winning is not necessarily being first. In fact, from a biblical view that shouldn't be our goal at all. It is finishing well. Winning is when you keep going, when it would be so much easier to quit. Paul puts it this way in 2nd Timothy 4:7: You fight the good fight, you finish the race, you keep the faith.

 In God's economy, forward is a pace. 

So, this leads me to the reasons why I decided to run a marathon. The truth is that I had run one many years ago. It was over 20 years ago to be exact. It was so painful that I vowed never to run another one...one and done! Looking back, I now know why the experience was so difficult. It was because my training was woefully inadequate. Running a marathon requires not just months of physical training. It also requires simultaneous mental training. It requires prioritizing recovery and nutrition. It requires a particular set of priorities that doesn't just focus on running the race and getting to the finish line but running the race well. Running a marathon is an endurance race. You don't sprint. You pace yourself for the long run. You train not so the race will be easy. You train so you can endure it. Endurance is a mindset. How do we develop that mindset? We endure. 

In the beginning months of 2022, I began to realize I was going to need this kind of mindset. Life handed me a set of difficult circumstances that required me to pivot both personally and professionally. In faith, I knew that the end would be rewarding (even though I couldn't see the finish line.) I had walked with God long enough to know that His word promises to work all things to our good for those who believe in him. (Romans 8:28) But I also realized to actually live that kind of faith in my current circumstances would require me to be strong in a way mentally I had never faced before. I knew I would be tempted to quit. Not just on myself, but in my faith that God would redeem it.  I have always understood the similarity of running a race to my own discipleship. My whole blog is based on it.  Seeing the spiritual and mental challenge placed before me, it was right then I decided I was going to do the Dopey Challenge. It is four races over four days: 5k,10k, Half-marathon, and then Full Marathon for a total of 48.6 miles. Go big or go home, right? It seemed like the right challenge. 

Running like golf is a simple sport. It doesn't take long to figure out in your head what you need to do. It's all about getting what's in your head down into your body. You aim to develop muscle memory from your practice or training, so that it just comes out of you naturally. That is what following Jesus is all about. It's taking our head knowledge and turning it into heart knowledge so that it naturally flows out of your person. That is the essence of discipleship. Taking a wholistic approach to maturing in Christ, I believe, means having your mind and your body work together. God didn't say our minds are the temple of the Holy Spirit. He says our bodies are. 

"Do you not know that your bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, and you have received from God? You are not your own, You were bought with a price. So honor God with your bodies." -1st Corinth 6: 19-20.

If the way the Holy Spirit works in my life is also through my body, then what I do with it directly affects my spiritual walk. If I choose to endure with my body, I can teach my mind and emotions to do the same. And vice versa.  Any running coach will tell you:  your mind will want to give up long before your body actually does. So, if the goal is to develop an endurance mindset, I determined I would choose a physical challenge that would require me to do so as well. It's called neuroplasticity: you become what you meditate on. Jesus called these spiritual disciplines. As believers we should practice certain behaviors because they ultimately form us as followers of Christ. An example is fasting. Fasting is a physical denial of something in your body, like food. It is a way we connect with God through our stomach. This may seem odd, but when you learn to deny yourself in this area through practice, it makes it easier to deny yourself being reactionary in other areas in your life. Like when somebody offends you or your tempted to sin. Every time I kept going on the long run when I wanted to quit, I was training my spirit to fight the good fight of faith when the next difficult moment comes. It helps to have a short mantra to repeat to yourself. Mine was "Don't Quit on Yourself." To endure a challenge, you have to know your why. That is what you will call upon in the moments you want to quit.  My "WHY" was buried within my mantra: I will physically train my body so I will teach my mind and my emotions what they need to do. "For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." 1st Timothy 4:8. Others may quit on you, "Don't Quit on Yourself." Every mile became a spiritual formation that I can do hard things. My training was less about a finish line and more about who I was becoming through it. 

 Running those long miles has taught me several lessons for life:

1. Slow down and be intentional with my energy. When you train for a marathon, you deliberately run most of your mileage at a slower pace. This prevents injuries. I saw God doing this in my circumstances as well. How you fuel for endurance is very important. Be careful what you allow to nourish your being. Prioritize recovery. If you don't fill your own cup, you can't pour out to others. 

2. You're allowed to find joy in difficult circumstances. It is a choice. I wrote a past blog all about who modeled this for me. Joy along with endurance is a mindset. Run Disney is such a metaphor for this.  

3. Take pride in your accomplishments without comparison to others. Run your race. When this is your perspective, you don't lose. We either win or we learn. Failure is only feedback. Pick yourself up and move forward. Forward is a pace. Did I win my races? The answer is yes! I finished and I finished well. It brought literal tears to my eyes knowing I was going to cross that finish line. The real prize was knowing that God was literally with me every step of the way. Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." 

4. Never say never to God. I said I would never run another marathon. But that was before I knew what I was going to need in this season of life. God's grace carried me through all of it; physically and mentally. My part was to not quit. The places in life where you are most afraid is exactly where He will gently lead you. Why? So, you can conquer your fear. Your fears are the place you probably most misunderstand who God is and who He created you to be. "If God is for us, who can be against us? I want to challenge you to meditate on this scripture alone. To meditate means to rehearse. How different would our lives be if we operated without fear? .... Romans 8 affirms that if you really understand how much God is for you (so much so that he did not spare his own son, but gave him up for us all) then you can face any challenge. We are "more than conquerors"... of finish lines, 48.6 miles, or whatever life throws our way. There is nothing that separates you from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus. Finishing a marathon, is a state of mind that anything is possible with Christ. This past year, I have experienced firsthand knowledge of this.

 If you want to run, run a mile. If you want to experience a different life, run a marathon.