There is a popular post about a tattoo that reads, "Judas Ate Too." The sentiment behind it is that even at the last supper, Jesus fed Judas. He washed his feet. He prayed with him. He fed him. And all the while knowing that He was about to be betrayed. The funny thing is that I've observed that people will betray you emotionally before they betray you physically. Judas had already betrayed Jesus emotionally. All you have to do is look at the scriptures. Matthew 26:6 Judas chastises the woman for anointing Jesus with expensive oil "because it could have been sold and a large sum given to the poor." He didn't care about the poor or what motivated the heart of Jesus.
He cared about himself.
But he was also about to betray him physically. Literally right after this scene he betrays Jesus by going to the Chief Priests in exchange for thirty pieces of silver.
The interesting thing is that we don't always know when people have broken relationship with us emotionally. There is a gap; it is the theoretical space between where the relationship has changed, but we don't recognize it yet until we experience and realize that physical separation has occurred. It is an odd place of tension. It is in this gap that we make assumptions and judgements; we decide other's motivations. It is here, in the gap, where the enemy always enters into the equation. (John 13:27)
Our church is walking through the Lords prayer and right when we get to the week on forgiveness, the message came like a flood serving to wash over my heart. You see this week I felt betrayed. And the Holy Spirit challenged me on how I would let it affect my behavior, which is really an overflow from my own heart.
As I sat in church listening to the message on forgiveness and grace, the Lord took me back to one of my first lessons in betrayal. When I was nine years old, my father filed for sole child custody to take us away from my mother. He won. It was a defining moment in my life. On the day he came to get us, I tried to hug my mother. I felt so conflicted and in pain. Overwhelmed by her own pain and needing someone to blame, she literally pushed me away. I remember that moment vividly, even to this day some 40 years later. The pain I felt in that moment was guttural; it was deep and physical. My father responded by yelling at her "I hope you rot in hell." In that same moment I remember the absolute horror I felt at his response. Why would he wish that on her?
Sitting in church, God gently told me I reminded you of this for two reasons. First, to say that until I fully heal this moment for you, you will always struggle to extend forgiveness to others in this area. Abandonment and betrayal are painful for me and it is rooted here. Letting God tear up the roots, and plant something new is the only way to true growth and healing in Christ.
Secondly, this illustrates the difference between costly and cheap grace. The type of grace God extended through Christ was costly. When we don't extend to others the same type of grace that God has given to us through the forgiveness of sin, we cheapen it. Dieterich Bonhoffer said it this way, "Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ." Its one of the most dangerous ways we as Christians diminish the message of the Gospel. And if we really want to pray like Christ taught us to, "Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.", we need as a church and me, as a disciple, to understand this. When I allow my own pain to define my reaction to betrayal, I don't extend the type of grace that God extended to me. I am a sinner. I had a debt to God because of my sin that I could never pay. Have you ever had a debt you could never pay? It is crushing. "The wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus." (Romans 6:23) So God sent his one and only Son to exchange my sin for His righteousness. When God did this the bible says He remembers my sin no more. Isaiah 43:25 "I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins." This doesn't mean God forgets. It means he doesn't rehearse it. Forgiveness assumes grace; it means you have to let it go.
Why? Because people in a lost world depend upon it for their salvation. It isn't telling them how they wronged you that leads people to desiring forgiveness and reconciliation. It is grace; extending kindness when they certainly don't deserve it. " Romans 2:4 tells us it is God's kindness that leads to repentance. It is a harsh message, but by reminding me of a single instance in my childhood God told me that how I respond in the middle of rejection/abandonment or broken relationship could be the difference in someone's salvation. Literally whether they will 'rot in hell.'
We all need daily provision to help us extend this type of grace. Maybe that's why the prayer says, "give us our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." Jesus is our daily bread; the daily reminder of what has been given to us by the Cross. That my friends is the whole purpose of taking Communion. His blood and broken body for the purpose of reconciliation to God. It is only with His help that I can even try to model this. When I looked back at the scriptures, reading them again blew my mind. It says that Jesus didn't just eat with Judas. The exact moment before he betrayed him Jesus took communion with Him; he dipped the morsel in the cup and gave it to Him. The very next moment, Satan entered him. Let that sink in. Broken bread and broken relationships intermingled and Jesus wasn't deterred by any of it. Because God's kindness leads to our repentance and that is exactly what He was sent to do.
