Broken Bread and Broken Relationships

 There is a popular post about a tattoo that reads, "Judas Ate Too." The sentiment behind it is that even at the last supper, Jesus fed Judas. He washed his feet. He prayed with him. He fed him. And all the while knowing that He was about to be betrayed. The funny thing is that I've observed that people will betray you emotionally before they betray you physically. Judas had already betrayed Jesus emotionally. All you have to do is look at the scriptures. Matthew 26:6 Judas chastises the woman for anointing Jesus with expensive oil "because it could have been sold and a large sum given to the poor." He didn't care about the poor or what motivated the heart of Jesus. 

He cared about himself.  

But he was also about to betray him physically. Literally right after this scene he betrays Jesus by going to the Chief Priests in exchange for thirty pieces of silver. 

The interesting thing is that we don't always know when people have broken relationship with us emotionally. There is a  gap; it is the theoretical space between where the relationship has changed, but we don't recognize it yet until we experience and realize that physical separation has occurred.  It is an odd place of tension. It is in this gap that we make assumptions and judgements; we decide other's motivations. It is here, in the gap, where the enemy always enters into the equation. (John 13:27) 

Our church is walking through the Lords prayer and right when we get to the week on forgiveness, the message came like a flood serving to wash over my heart. You see this week I felt betrayed. And the Holy Spirit challenged me on how I would let it affect my behavior, which is really an overflow from my own heart.  

As I sat in church listening to the message on forgiveness and grace, the Lord took me back to one of my first lessons in betrayal. When I was nine years old, my father filed for sole child custody to take us away from my mother. He won. It was a defining moment in my life. On the day he came to get us, I tried to hug my mother. I felt so conflicted and in pain. Overwhelmed by her own pain and needing someone to blame, she literally pushed me away. I remember that moment vividly, even to this day some 40 years later. The pain I felt in that moment was guttural; it was deep and physical. My father responded by yelling at her "I hope you rot in hell." In that same moment I remember the absolute horror I felt at his response.  Why would he wish that on her? 

Sitting in church, God gently told me I reminded you of this for two reasons. First, to say that until I fully heal this moment for you, you will always struggle to extend forgiveness to others in this area. Abandonment and betrayal are painful for me and it is rooted here. Letting God tear up the roots, and plant something new is the only way to true growth and healing in Christ. 

Secondly, this illustrates the difference between costly and cheap grace. The type of grace God extended through Christ was costly. When we don't extend to others the same type of grace that God has given to us through the forgiveness of sin,  we cheapen it. Dieterich Bonhoffer said it this way, "Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ."  Its one of the most dangerous ways we as Christians diminish the message of the Gospel. And if we really want to pray like Christ taught us to, "Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.", we need as a church and me, as a disciple, to understand this. When I allow my own pain to define my reaction to betrayal, I don't extend the type of grace that God extended to me. I am a sinner. I had a debt to God because of my sin that I could never pay. Have you ever had a debt you could never pay? It is crushing. "The wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus." (Romans 6:23) So God sent his one and only Son to exchange my sin for His righteousness. When God did this the bible says He remembers my sin no more. Isaiah 43:25 "I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins." This doesn't mean God forgets. It means he doesn't rehearse it. Forgiveness assumes grace; it means you have to let it go. 

Why? Because people in a lost world depend upon it for their salvation. It isn't telling them how they wronged you that leads people to desiring forgiveness and reconciliation. It is grace; extending kindness when they certainly don't deserve it. " Romans 2:4 tells us it is God's kindness that leads to repentance. It is a harsh message, but by reminding me of a single instance in my childhood God told me that how I respond in the middle of rejection/abandonment or broken relationship could be the difference in someone's salvation. Literally whether they will 'rot in hell.' 

We all need daily provision to help us extend this type of grace. Maybe that's why the prayer says, "give us our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." Jesus is our daily bread; the daily reminder of what has been given to us by the Cross. That my friends is the whole purpose of taking Communion. His blood and broken body for the purpose of reconciliation to God.  It is only with His help that I can even try to model this. When I looked back at the scriptures, reading them again blew my mind. It says that Jesus didn't just eat with Judas. The exact moment before he betrayed him Jesus took communion with Him; he dipped the morsel in the cup and gave it to Him. The very next moment, Satan entered him. Let that sink in. Broken bread and broken relationships intermingled and Jesus wasn't deterred by any of it. Because God's kindness leads to our repentance and that is exactly what He was sent to do. 

The Symbolism of the Skull

 It's fall which means we are entering into the last part of the year, a time typically full of activities, festivity and often celebration. The stores become replete with decoration and ornamentation that beckons us like a continuous thread leading us from one holiday to the next. You know the season has arrived when the first decorations to appear are the symbols of Halloween. 

Pumpkins, bats, and the most common imagery...

the human skull. 

I recently learned that  the image of the skull as an object of decoration predated the modern holiday by many generations. It actually stems from a Monastic tradition; the first artists to ever use skull imagery were monks. If you think of images that you have seen of monks, they are often pictured sitting at a prayer desk, with a bible, a lit candle, and there on the desk is a human skull. But this isn't a cute plastic one from Michaels or a ceramic sugar skull from Etsy. These skulls were actually one of their peers who had already passed away. Once the body was embalmed/buried, they retrieved the skull. They put it on their prayer bench not to be goth or morbid, but instead to keep their mortality literally directly in front of them. It was an extremely tangible reminder to them that eventually I will  die, and therefore I don't want to waste my life on trivial things that don't really matter. It was not designed to be disturbed or psychotic (like most seasonal imagery), but rather to encourage an individual to live each day joyfully present in the life that has been given. 

Reflection upon on this, reminded me the Bible says the same thing in Psalm 90:12:

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. 

So what does that mean that we should "learn to number our days." and exactly what would that look like as we do this thing called life? First, as mentioned above in the monastic school of thought it means we would intentionally choose to address our priorities. How do I spend my time, what do I think about and how do I use my money/resources?  I don't think this means that God does not want me to enjoy my time here on Earth; not everyone is called to an austere life as a monk living in a monastery. But it does mean that we need to remember we have only have one life on Earth to live. There are no do-overs or second chances once we die.  Ecclesiastes 3:11 tells us that "He has made everything beautiful in its time. (And yet) He has also set eternity in the heart of men." This scripture means that no matter how good it gets here on Earth, deep in our hearts we know that this life is not all that there is. There is a new life after this one; but it is definitely not here. Therefore the biggest priority we need to get right during this life is our relationship to God. In fact it's crucial.  As humans we will always choose to live to satisfy ourselves, and left to our own devices we will always choose wrongly. That is why we need a Savior, in Jesus Christ to help us find our way back to God. When Jesus enters the picture, our priorities change. That change occurs in our hearts; it a work from the inside out, not vice versa. It is not another means of self help; it is soul-help. With Christ at the center of your life, your priorities will start to look more like God's will for your life; that is a heart of wisdom. And only God is the source of that. 

The second part of learning to number your days means you understand the brevity of your life. The hard truth is our days are actually numbered. We hope that means living to a ripe old age, but the truth is, we don't know how long it is. Only God knows. Yet most of us don't live like that. Greg and I used to talk about our 5, 10, 15 year plan. That all changed a few years ago when God taught us that the only day to worry about is the one in front of you; life can change on a dime. Luke 12 tells the story of a rich man who said to himself, "You have plenty of grain laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink, and be merry." {This is the world's answer for YOLO}.  But God said to him, "You fool, This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what your have prepared for yourself." I had hope that the pandemic would teach all of us this. But unfortunately, I've realized for some folks it did not. A heart of wisdom asks God to show me how to use what you have given me today...whether that is my health, my body, my money or my time. And by doing that, I'm actually storing up real treasure (Matthew 6:19-21) for myself. I don't worry if my daily needs will be met; God promises that if I seek relationship and to walk daily with Him, all these things will be provided. I could tell you story after story of how God has provided for me exactly when I needed it. 

Lastly, teaching us to number our days means we understand the eternal significance of your life. What we do here actually matters, not just here, but for how we will spend eternity. If you choose to live your life without God here on Earth, why would a person then logically want to spend an eternity in heaven worshiping Him? God didn't create Hell to send people there; rather it is the logical destination for a person who has chosen to do his/her life without Him. Luke 16 tells the story of the Rich man and Lazarus. Lazarus, a beggar, died and went to heaven. The Rich Man died and went to hell, but looked up and could see the beggar across a great chasm. He asks if the beggar could just reach his finger and dip it in water to provide relief from his agony. He is told no "because there is a great chasm between them," and "no one can cross over". So instead he asks to send the beggar (like a ghost) to his family so that they will hear the message of eternity and not end up in the same place. He begs, "if someone from the dead goes to them they will repent." The answer was this: "If they don't listen to Moses and the Prophets, then they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead."   The irony of this story is that someone did rise from the dead to bridge that chasm, and his name is Jesus.  This story in scripture asks the question if someone who has already died can cause us to live differently now. For me, that answer is a resounding "Yes!". It is Jesus.  Going back to the monastic traditions, they had a saying that was placed on a sign near all their catacombs. It read as follows:

"Where you are now we were, and where we are now, you will be." 

What are you going to do with that? Oh, Lord, teach us to number our days so that we can gain a heart of wisdom! There are people that I am praying will come to Christ before it is too late. And for myself,   I can't help but see the image of the skull a little differently now. As a symbol that encourages the reflection of holding my mortality before myself. And maybe, just maybe, what follows is the wisdom to ask myself the questions that allow me to live life a little more intentionally.