Thorn in My Side

There isn't much in my life that I truly regret; even the experiences I have had that one might classify as bad. For example, my parents divorce at 7 yo, the subsequent child custody battle, family turmoil, moving, job changes, health challenges etc ...... I don't regret  them because I've come now to the understanding that God used those experiences to draw me toward him and shape me for my calling. Some people come to Christ without much drama. Some people, like myself, need the drama for a dramatic conversion.
I guess for this reason I've always related a little bit to Saul, who became Paul. Paul required a dramatic conversion to come to Christ. If you remember, Saul was a devout Jewish leader who made it his priority to persecute Christians. He was there at the stoning of Stephen. But one day while walking along the road he finally "saw the light".  Jesus showed him himself, and he became a believer of Jesus. My testimony is similar in that I was going along in life calling all  the shots and they were taking me exactly where I didn't want to go. Until one day God showed me...me; I asked him for help, gave him the reigns, and I have been walking with him ever since. Since most of my choices and experiences prior to Jesus are what caused me to turn to him, I don't regret them. And I know that God uses all of them for our calling. Paul wrote these words. He seemed to understand that part of how/why he was saved was so that his prior self could be recycled by God.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—  not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2

But when I turn around and look over the shoulder of my life, there is one thing I do regret. I think my enemy knows it because he is always there to remind me of this shortcoming, despite any successes I have in Christ. For me, it is a trail of broken relationships. I'm a people person and for most of my life, I sought their approval. So for the fleshly me, it is heartbreaking to know about a list of people who don't like me or in my mind have rejected me.  Sometimes it was just plain my fault; I didn't know Christ then like I do now. Other times, it wasn't me, but the Christ in me that was rejected and caused the fracture. Either way, it's like a thorn in my side; a nagging hurt in my fleshly heart.  It caused me to wonder if this was the same for Paul. He speaks about it in 2nd Corinthians 12. There is a lot of theological debate about what his ailment was. A few things he says though have caused me to wonder if he was ever accepted the way the other apostles were. Despite his successes for Christ, was he always reminded of his behavior beforehand? When he preached, was there always someone there in the audience to torment him about the past? This is what he says.

"...and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
   My grace is enough; it's all you need.
   My strength comes into its own in your weakness."

I'm realizing this is a little bit of what is going on. My current struggle was caused by broken relationships. My enemy is right there to accuse me, torment me, and tweak the thorn. He says, "See...same old, same old. You fail." Trust me, I've been pleading with God to take this situation away; I begged him to redeem me, restore me, and make it better. Instead I've been pushed to my knees and become fully submissive to whatever he has in store for me and I accept my weaknesses in relationships because they keep me humble as it pertains to any of the successes I've had in Christ. But more importantly, I know that when the solution to my relational problem comes, it won't come from me, it will come from God and therefore he will be glorified.
Relationships are tough at times. But that is how God works. He places us as Christians in the world and forces us to rub up against each other. Sometimes the result is like sandpaper...a little abrasive. But the end result is that God is smoothing off some rough edges that need a little work. Once you realize that, failures, weakness, and limitations actually become successes if you let them; I've realized that God has and is using my failures as an opportunity for Christ to show himself in me. Paul says it like this:
"Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

Culturally Backwards

If you have been watching the news lately then you are aware of the scandal regarding a certain congressman who was caught "sexting" to multiple women thus being publicly unfaithful to his pregnant wife. The debate rages over whether this dirty weiner-dog should step down from his position or not; once caught, he also proceeded to lie about the whole thing until he couldn't keep up the charade any longer. Several moral elements of the debate have really caught my attention and thus my fingers went to the keyboard once again.
First, I remember the day when being a politician was considered a noble profession. It was similar in its expectations to any of the other noble professions, like doctor, lawyer, or clergy. There was a inherent level of trust that was placed upon the shoulders of the person occupying that position. This is not to say that all professions should carry some degree of morality. However, trust is paramount because in these professions individuals make themselves vulnerable to the ethics and morals of the person who performs that duty; this is true on a municipal level like a politician or at the personal/physical level such as a physician. One fundamental characteristic of that trust is truth-telling. Noble professions demand that the professional says what they mean and mean what they say; the greater good depends upon it. As a doctor, when I examine someone and document it; my findings should be true and not altered to benefit me and not the patient.  Somehow culturally this is changing; we have dropped our standards when it comes to politicians. Or is it just politicians? In our cultural minds eye, we somehow believe it is possible to be a good congressman, president, or statesman but not morally ethical in other areas of our lives such as fidelity or truth-telling. How did this happen? I remember the day I graduated from medical school the entire class took the Hippocratic Oath. The first vow taken is that " I will do no harm." This promise inherently has someone's else best interest before your own. How is it possible to separate the two?
I will suggest it is not. They go hand in hand. How one sets his moral compass and to what standard he or she compares himself cannot be separated from how that person conducts them-self in their profession. Period. If a person is willing to cheat on  their spouse, or commit any other obviously sinful act, then who can say emphatically they are somehow trustworthy when it comes to their "noble profession"?

"The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law." Romans 13:8-10

Along these lines I have often struggled with the idea of patients who are self-confessed Christians, especially those in ministry, who choose to go to a non-Christian doctor. Now I do understand sometimes there are issues of competence and specialization and one might have to go to the most skilled for their particular situation. I also think God can use Christians to witness to non-believers in these situations. But when these are not issues, and particularly when there are choices for physicians who are both competent and believers, I would think a Christian would want a doctor with a known moral compass, especially when it comes to issues of life and death. This is quite a touchy situation and I have always tried to be respectful of how people choose their physician; however, lately this has really bothered me and this scandal helped me figure out why. In some ways, I think the two issues have similarities.

A few days ago Chris Matthews, a reporter on MSNBC, made the comment that the infamous congressman would have to be removed because if not it would hurt the democratic party too much. He said that Christian conservatives, "culturally backward, you could say" would never tolerate him like they would in New York. Okay Chris, at first this Christian conservative might be inclined to pull off my big hoop earrings and get ready to throw down because in  the South..."dems fightin' words"! But when I thought about it, I think I don't mind being called culturally backward. Really what he is saying is that as Christians we are not socially forward thinking and thus moving along in the direction society is going...which is tolerant of this type of behavior and willing to separate the personal behavior from the moral obligations of duty. Know what, Chris? I'll stay "backward" in my thinking and keep using my moral compass "Jesus" as the direction this ship should be sailing. Without a firm compass to stay on course, as Christians we will subtly drift. It's the natural pull of our surroundings. You have to fight to stay in the right direction. Every day we are presented with choices or directions. How we vote, choose our friends, and our professional relationships are all examples. When our daily choices don't reflect our professed beliefs, there is a disconnect between our theology and our reality; before you know it your ship has sailed into hostile territory where you didn't intend to navigate. God wants a church and people who are genuine in all their affairs, both seen and unseen.   Here is what the bible says is the direction our culture will continue to move in as we draw closer to Christ's return:

"There are difficult times ahead. As the end approaches, people are going to be self-absorbed, money-hungry, self-promoting, stuck-up, profane, contemptuous of parents, crude, coarse, dog-eat-dog, unbending, slanderers, impulsively wild, savage, cynical, treacherous, ruthless, bloated windbags, addicted to lust, and allergic to God. They'll make a show of religion, but behind the scenes they're animals. Stay clear of these people. " 2nd Tim 3 MSG
Enough said.

I Found My Voice

Anyone close to me knows that I love to sing! Several years ago my husband got me a karaoke machine with wireless mic's for Christmas. I sang and entertained myself for over two hours...all by myself, I might add. Most of  the time spent in my car is spent singing. Yes, I am one of those people that you might look over at while stopped at a stoplight and I'll be belting out the chorus shamelessly. Most of the time I am singing praise music and some of  the most intimate moments between me and God have been in the front seat of my car.

Since shortly after the first of the year I haven't been doing much singing. Why? Well some of  the reasons were just circumstantial. Right now, I am unable to attend my church in Niceville due to my work situation. Part of my service there was singing regularly with the praise band during Contemporary Worship services. For right now, that has ceased.

I take voice lessons every week; I've done so for about four years. I'm lucky that my voice instructor just so happens to also be my best friend. So each week is part voice instruction, part fellowship, and sometimes... part therapy.  Right after the New Year my friend had a baby. Naturally all of her voice students had to take a break from instruction. The problem was when I came back I had lost a good bit of technique.  It seemed like such a struggle to sing. If you know anything about good singers, the more you struggle to make the noise the worse it sounds. Good singers make it look effortless. This is not to say there is not a lot of effort in the form of training your vocal apparatus to make those sounds, but once trained the mechanism should not strain to produce the sound.
I began to realize something else though. It wasn't just the technique that was failing....I was struggling to find the song in my heart. As a result, it was an effort to sing and it showed.
I saw a biographical show that Shania Twain is doing right now on T.V. If you are not aware, her husband left her after having an affair with her best friend. It is obvious from her testimony and the show that Shania still carries a lot of pain surrounding the events, even though she has already remarried. The interesting thing is that she tells the audience that all the events have also caused her to lose her famous voice; she struggles now with her singing and is trying to get it back. In her own words, she describes the feeling you get in your throat when you want to cry and you are trying to hold it in...that throat clenching tightness that forces one to swallow hard. She chronically carries that feeling around.  Tight vocal cords don't bode well for singing.
When life hands you circumstances you didn't ask for, but you are trying to hold it together in your own strength, the result is anything but lyrical. I think this was me the first few months. Like Shania, I felt like a humbled victim. I couldn't find my voice or my song.
In the last month, a few things have changed. First, some godly counseling changed my mindset from walking humbly to walking boldly. Second, I have come to the full heart realization that God fights my battles for me (see my previous posts). With that came a peace and the angst I felt in my heart and in my throat has disappeared. Lastly, I have actually started to see God work in my situation. I know we are supposed to walk by faith and not sight, but it sure does help to witness a few God-interventions in your circumstances. I have begun to see a real tangible change in the atmosphere at work now that certain people have either been removed or their evil intentions have been brought to the light. The enemy wants to steal your song; God works to show you he will be your voice when you have none. (Romans 8:26-28 MSG "Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.") Recently I read about when David was restored as King of Israel after he was rescued by God from all his enemies and Saul. What does he do? He sings. His song is chronicled in 2nd Samuel 22. It is an amazing praise song about God's unfailing love to those who live by his commands and how he himself will restore, redeem, and protect them.
Last week at voice lessons, I broke through.  As my dear friend said, "You're back. You found the song in your heart again." Indeed I did. And just like King David, it is a song of praise. Hallelujah!